Nick himself was in perpetual, painful turmoil. As he described it in one of his many journal extracts used in the book, "Normal is bad, balance is shit, I want to be angry and fierce and shirtless and sweating, screaming at the top of my lungs and clawing on my own skin for the rest of my life. I want to roll on the dirty carpet, the air raid sirens exploding above me, ripping the air to shreds, I want to be hungry and alone, hating the world, hating my parents, hating myself. I don't want to have to call anybody on a phone, and have to pretend to be happy, have to pretend to be everything I am not. I can't handle all of it anymore."